Today is CD7 of the first real cycle of our second attempt. My period is basically over, and now it’s just that impatient waiting time where nothing is happening except the daydreaming. It is familiar territory. I am exactly where I was, except not.
It feels so much like the first time. Not like a year ago, late in the TTC saga: exasperated, bitter, exhausted, our efforts fueled by chemicals and habit. Instead, it’s almost like where we were in the beginning. Optimistic. Idealistic. A touch of foolishness, yes, but it’s largely deliberate this time. In truth, we are smarter now.
Apart from the obvious, it’s such a better place than last November. I have learned much. I am wiser.
I know I have a fertility issue, and I know what it is. I have had three successful, natural cycles in a row, and that gives me hope. They have been somewhat long, but surprisingly consistent. Better than any three cycles in 2010. With diet and supplements, my PCOS seems to be under control. I don’t have the churning internal conflict I had on Clomid.
I know that I have the ability to get pregnant. I know what it feels like to be pregnant (at least until the second trimester). I know my first pregnancy was physically easy to manage (until it wasn’t). I am not intimidated.
I am letting go of a lot of the control issues. At least, I’m trying to. I am not setting rules about the way things have to be in order have the perfect pregnancy. I know that probably doesn’t exist, and almost certainly doesn’t matter.
My husband and I went through some real trying times together. I believe our relationship is stronger for it. I believe our experience will make us better parents when the day does come. I believe it will happen for us. And while it would be amazing and wonderful if it happens during this cycle, I know it will be alright if it doesn’t.