Consolation Prize

By all appearances, I have a great life at this moment. My husband and I – we have respectable jobs, we have adequate money, we own a house and cars and fancy electronics. We live in a beautiful seaside town. We travel a bit, and go out to eat all the time, and go to bars with our friends every weekend. Last night we played kickball, and today we’re having massages, and this weekend we’re staying at a bed and breakfast in Maine, and in a couple of weeks we’re going to a concert in Boston. Next year we get to live overseas and see a whole hemisphere I’ve never been to before.

I am living the life that I was afraid of giving up.  In the moment, you know, I do enjoy myself almost like a normal person, and I do appreciate the things I get to do and have. But upon reflection, there’s a hollowness that I can’t get past. I have everything I ought to want – except for the only thing that seems to matter.

I keep trying to re-prioritize. To dwell in the moment. To focus on what I have instead of what I don’t. To convince myself into contentedness. It’s something I’ll need to keep working on.

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4 thoughts on “Consolation Prize

  1. I know what just what you mean, Chloe. After the miscarriages but before I was pregnant with Henry, I tried to live in the moment and enjoy the child-free life while I could – because really, what else was there to do? It was so hard, though. Not KNOWING that things were going to “work out” – the anxiety around that, the grief over my losses, made it so difficult to give a crap about the fact that I could sleep whenever I wanted, do whatever I wanted, etc.

    And now that I have a baby – I do wish I had enjoyed that time more. I can’t do some things I could do then, and I won’t have that kind of freedom again for a long time. I love my baby more than I have ever loved anyone and I wouldn’t trade places with my old self for anything – but sometimes it would be nice to sleep past 7am.

    The thing is, though, that you just have to do the best you can. Enjoy your life as it is the best you can, knowing that everything is temporary. And it sounds like you are. 🙂

  2. Everything Mara said. But she said it better than i can. I just wanted to say… i don’t know, exactly. I think that, even if you’re able to love and appreciate all of the things you mentioned, even if you’re able to be happy in your life right now – no one would expect that to erase the hollowness. Maybe being happy about what you have doesn’t equal contentment. I know it never has for me 🙂

    Also: everything that Zoe said. But she said it better than i can.

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