As I put all pregnancy-related activity on hold, I think that means this blog’s active posting days are numbered. Already (regular readers have likely noticed), the posting frequency has dropped. I don’t foresee being able to keep up writing within the theme. What would I talk about? Nobody wants to read “Ok, I got my period again” indefinitely, no more than I want to write that indefinitely. The emotional stuff? As to the past: I’m about ready to stop dragging my tragedy out into the sunshine over and over for the sheer sake of doing so. And as to the future: if we’re genuinely not in a position to try, for the next little while, then it will be better for me to separate myself as much as I can from the subject of wanting a baby. I know I won’t be able to escape from that aching, but the timing would just be so wrong. I’ve lived with this duality for the last year and a half, and I think my public self will be more functional the less influence “Chloe” is allowed to have. To the friends I’ve made here, I’ll keep reading your blogs, but otherwise I think a strict regimen of denial and avoidance of all things pregnancy-related is really the healthiest way to go.
I will write about Japan, but it won’t be here. It isn’t the right place. With a few notable exceptions, those entries would be for a completely separate audience. I mean, I hope that maybe what I’ve shared here in these archives helps others who are similarly struggling, whether with pregnancy loss, or multiple pregnancy, or PCOS, or just the tireless demons of trying. Chronicling my Far East adventures won’t be of any use to the people who arrive here via Google, who are searching for answers to their own questions. Equally, people who might be searching Google for military spouses’ experiences living overseas won’t really find much of value in the content here, to date.
To the extent that, regardless of the subject, it’s still my life… well, it goes back to the duality thing. This blog has been, first and foremost, for me. In that capacity, it has been amazing and fulfilling. I can’t tell you how much it’s meant to be able to say the things I’ve needed to say under the shelter of this alias, and to have received such unbelievable support. But it’s something I’ve done for a very specific part of myself, a part that I’ve kept private from family and friends. Japan though? A lot of the people I know in ‘real life’ will probably be interested in the photos and stories from Japan, and I’ve got no reason to write those posts in secret. Meanwhile, I have no intention to give this link out and reveal “Chloe” to everyone I know. I’ve tried keeping basically the same blog in two places simultaneously, and it was exhausting. (If you’re a regular reader and you really want to follow along, let me know and I’ll send you the new link when I get it up and running.)
I’m not quite ready to hang it up just yet: there are a few posts I’ve wanted to write that I haven’t gotten around to. Maybe by the time I get through those, I’ll have concluded a genuine, unassisted menstrual cycle, which would be a nice place to leave things. Also, maybe by then Hubs will have gotten his official orders and gotten through the sea duty screening – the two hurdles to clear before the Japan plans are certain. Because if those change, then probably everything else does, too.