More Reasons For Melancholy

Some tough events in the last week, but with the way this year has gone, I’m so emotionally exhausted that I hardly have the energy to venture into the dreary, dark space. Last Thursday was three months since the triplets’ delivery, and Sunday would have been 32 weeks – probably the most significant gestational goal I’d had my heart set on. It’s become unreal to think how different my life could have been right now. What almost was. All those worries I wasted my fear upon.  And of course, all the amazing stuff, too. Hard to believe I was ever expecting any of it to really happen.

Also. On Saturday, my grandfather died. He had Parkinson’s Disease, and he had been retreating from the world since my grandma died about 15 years ago. I feel sad about the way his last years passed, but I don’t honestly feel sad for myself that he’s gone. He was barely part of my life. He never met my husband. I can only muster up real sentimentality when I think about him at his grand piano when I was a kid. I wonder how much of his isolationist tendencies I may have inherited. I guess it’s something to be cognizant of.

As I said though, I’m not getting bogged down in the mire, here. I’m just feeling time go floating by. Still collecting my thoughts on moving to Japan…


One thought on “More Reasons For Melancholy

  1. We never stop killing ourselves with these kinds of mental games, do we? How could you ever have expected any of it to not happen? How could you have spent all of those months not expecting, not worrying, not believing and caring and loving? You could never in a million years have spent them preparing for what you and your husband went through. And there are not enough “I’m sorry”s in the world for what happened. But still. I am so, so sorry.

    I’m also sorry for the loss of your grandfather. Even if he was not such a presence in your life, i would imagine that you are not so unfamiliar with grief right now that it would’t hit you a little hard. My condolences to you.

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