No, No, No….

After spending a few hours yesterday on the high end of the roller coaster, risking snippets of excitement, there came the inevitable heart-in-my-throat, nauseating plunge. All those hopes were dashed in one disgusting moment. Yesterday I expelled a fleshy piece of tissue – probably no need to go into more detail than that. It was by far too large to be products of conception just two weeks old, so the only conclusion is that it was leftover remains of the triplets’ pregnancy.

I’m almost certain that this scenario described at covers it:

[S]ome tissue was missed during your D&C or natural miscarriage.  A bit of placenta clung to the wall of the uterus. It continued to draw a little blood, and the body continued to create very small amounts of pregnancy hormone. Eventually the body realized no baby was there and turned loose of this last bit of tissue. The miscarriage process begins again. Only now will your levels drop to zero and a new cycle begin.

Therefore it makes sense that I was getting the very faint positives with no noticeable darkening. It makes sense that the spotting and discharge never really stopped, and that it’s been over 9 weeks and I haven’t had a real period. It makes sense that my BBT and other fertility signs were all over the place. And it makes sense that the hCG was causing me to experience pregnancy symptoms (I am relieved that they weren’t totally in my head). I’m still lost as to why those symptoms wouldn’t have been present except over the last two weeks.

It also makes sense that the symptoms seem to be fewer today, and that the test I took this morning, scientific-experiment-fashion, showed only just the slightest hint of a second line. Lighter than any of the others, and we all know how faint those were. (I am sure it wouldn’t show up on camera.) Presumably it will soon vanish altogether. That’s good, at least – I hope that there was just the single bit of tissue, and there isn’t more still stuck, waiting. The last thing I want is to end up going back now for a D&C.

Emotionally? It’s totally shitty. I feel misled by my body. I feel like I can’t trust my biology or my instincts. I feel afraid not knowing if this will even be the end of the story. I feel more out of touch with my physical self than ever. I feel foolish for thinking it was possible. Most of all, I feel sick at having gone from this crazy elation at the idea of a new (unexpected) pregnancy to sinking despair as I keep living the same loss.


4 thoughts on “No, No, No….

  1. Ugh! This is so horrible!! I hate that you have to go through even more pain and disappointment and confusion. I’ve been reading along every day, secretly hoping it was a real positive too, but not commenting because I guess I was just kind of holding my breath for you. I didn’t want to jinx it or something and I guess I didn’t know emotionally how you felt- ready so soon after the loss, etc. It’s just so unfair and wrong that something like that could even happen. Shitty doesn’t even begin to describe it. I’m so sorry you’re forced to live the same loss again. My heart is with you today. xo

  2. I’m so incredibly bummed for you. And I can totally relate because I just went through the exact same thing just a few short weeks ago. It was a nasty reminder.

    I passed a large amount of tissue a few days after Xander was born. It should have been a big sign that something wasn’t right. 8 weeks later I ended up having a D&C because my cycles never balanced out.

    I really really hope that you can avoid that step.

  3. oh, chloe, i’m so sorry for this. i’m sorry for the roller coaster, the confusion, the pain, the reminders. i hope that your body can finally begin to heal now… as much as i can completely understand that feeling of betrayal, i think you have good reason to believe that you really CAN trust your instincts right now. something was clearly going on that was out of the ordinary, you are clearly in touch with the hormonal (im)balances in your body. i hope you are able to learn to trust yourself again. thinking of you.

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