Split Personality

A few weeks ago I started a second blog. That’s the one I’m using to keep the family informed about doctor’s appointments; that’s the one I posted on Facebook so people I haven’t seen since high school can watch my belly expand. Over there, I am generally upbeat – realistic about the objective possibilities of complications, sure, and admitting some (not all) of my physical discomforts – but, you know, enthusiastic about the future and stuff. On that blog, I do not confess to wishing the conception efforts had ended up differently. The other blog is the one with my and Hubs’ real names and photos of our actual faces. But it’s still pretty Cleaver-esque where everything is wonderful and exactly like it’s supposed to be; in other words, it just feels fake. This blog remains the truer reality, even with the pseudonyms. I think it’s an interesting, if not totally unexpected evolution from the duality I felt the whole time we were trying to get pregnant. When that was the most singularly consumptive part of my life but few people had any clue about it.

I don’t mean to say that my outlook hasn’t improved any about having all these babies. Most of the time, I write a post on the other blog, and then copy it to this one, only changing or adding a few lines. I can do that and this blog remains true, because things have gotten better and a lot of the time I do feel pretty at peace with things. The thrill I felt seeing all that fetal movement on the ultrasounds was very much genuine. We’ve got a list of names being narrowed down, and we’ve started shopping a bit. I am knitting a blanket and when I finish it, I am going to knit at least 2 more. I bought these super adorable thank-you cards for baby gifts:

From Pear Tree Greetings

So things are better. But I am still having absolute freak out moments. Sometimes for decent reasons, like when I actually picture trying to breastfeed three infants around the clock every single day. Sometimes it’s for less obviously legitimate reasons. My mother-in-law got me a phone case for my birthday that says “Got Triplets?” on it and it made me cry for like an hour, because it reminded me that this is all I get to be from everyone else’s perspective from now on. Can’t I keep anything just for myself? Not even my cell phone?

My hope is that my honest feelings will keep moving toward the everything-is-wonderful-all-the-time blog, and I think that is slowly happening. Maybe there will even be a time when this one gets semi-retired. But my bipolar duality, coupled with the fear of having to deal with my relatives’ reactions to the complete story, prevents me from linking directly one to the other. You’re getting all the same info here anyway. Forgive me for wanting to keep whatever negativity slips out more or less anonymous. And if you happen to be one of the few who has the link to both, please don’t post the two links together anywhere, ok?

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5 thoughts on “Split Personality

  1. doh! i REALLY need to get thank you cards. also – i’m very glad to hear that this triplet business is starting to get exciting for you. but i totally, totally get the need to retain the scared, frustrated, venting personality. i’ll be happy to read the non-Cleaver posts.

  2. Hi, Chloe. I just spent the last little while reading your entries from recent months. Like you, my wife discovered she was pregnant with triplets a couple of months ago. Actually, she’s only a few weeks behind you.

    It’s hugely helpful and reassuring to see others experiencing what we’re experiencing. Both my wife and I have started our own blogs about the adventure. We’re still very freaked out, but we’re forging ahead.

    Thanks a lot for writing this down. Be encouraged! There aren’t exactly millions of people who understand what you and your husband are feeling, but there are a few of us.

    Good luck!

  3. Hi Chloe,

    I can relate so much to what I’ve read on your blog. I’m Carey, Jeremy’s wife, and I’m 11 weeks pregnant with triplets. I have some of the exact fears and overwhelm and it’s reassuring to read that someone else is there too. Everyone I’ve told has been so over the moon excited but I’ve been a little less convinced. At 11 weeks in I am genuinely happy and like you, loved seeing them jump around on the ultrasound. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to any of them at this point but it’s taken some time to get there. And I’m still freaked out. All the time. Feel free to drop by and check out my blog when you need someone to commiserate with (or celebrate with!) who truly does understand what you’re going through. I pray everything will go really well for you and your babies and we’ll both figure out how in the world to breastfeed 3 babies!

    • Thanks so much for the comment – I must have been on your blog about the same time you were on mine! How funny is that? It is really great knowing that not only am I not alone, but that admitting to the darker thoughts could actually help somebody else feel better too. So good luck to you as well!!

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