Don’t Judge Me…

I do not want children.  I have told nearly all of my family and friends that I am uninterested in pregnancy and I have joked that babies would seriously cut into my “me” time.  For the most part, I still believe this.  I am in law school, my husband is also in school and neither of us is employed.  In the spirit of truthfulness I’ll add that we have been living with his parents for nearly a year, we receive government assistance and are without health insurance.  We cannot have children now; that much is painfully, embarrassingly clear.  I won’t graduate until I am nearly 32.  Then I’ll need a job.  I think for me, the fastest possible track to pregnancy has me giving birth at 34. That’s less than ideal…

But all of this is a bit premature because there’s still the whole issue of whether or not I want children.  It would be a wonderful, beautiful thing to share with my husband and a divine expression of our love.  I’ve been watching parents with children.  Wherever I go, the grocery store, the DMV, the post office, I look for them and find an excuse to follow them for just a minute.  (I am one funny hat away from an SNL skit).  Here’s the thing:  a lot of times the people I watch are not miserable.  That might sound strange but it’s not what I expected.  Babies and small children look like cute things that have to be dragged around with you when they allow you to leave the house at all.  They are shackles that coo and  I just don’t see whats enjoyable about that.   And yet when I watch people, a lot of times it seems like they’re enjoying what they’re doing.  I can’t explain why.

Something has shifted.  Instead of being something to avoid, parenthood might be something worth talking about.  I’m terrified of the commitment and terrified of making my life all about another person.  But nonetheless, something has shifted..


One thought on “Don’t Judge Me…

  1. Mom of two here… found your blog through barfing rainbows… There are things I love about having kids, things I could take or leave, and some things I hate. But we’re trying for a third, so obviously the first two outweigh the third. It is hard work, can be incredibly frustrating (particularly dealing with the illogical nature of children and the whining, my god, the whining!), but the highs are just so much higher than anything I’d experienced for a long time. It really makes me enjoy the small things in life that I’d totally become blase to. ‘The moon, Mommy, I see the moon!” Yesterday I was out shovelling and they were watching me from the window, so I threw snowballs at the window – gales of laughter from all of us. And I do still get me time – I play ice hockey 3-4x/week, which is something I plan to continue until I can’t play anymore. Some people become totally wrapped up in their kids and don’t do anything else, but it doesn’t HAVE to be that way. Anyway, just wanted to give you my perspective 🙂

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