Nothing Yet

It’s CD15 today and there’s been no indication of impending ovulation. Which is fine. I still think CD17 is closer to normal for me, and it’ll be better if it holds off until next week anyway. (Also, if I revisit the CD1/3 confusion, and the ‘first day of red’ vs. ‘first day of flow’ debate, it may only be CD13 today.) I am not concerned, I’m just starting to feel the impatience creeping in, to see whether it will happen this cycle or not. I haven’t had a definitely ovulatory chart since April.

But I’m not thinking about that. No dwelling on how long I’ve been trying or what may or may not be wrong with me. Just focus on what’s happening right now.

I’m trying to trust my body (and the medication) to do what it’s supposed to do; I’m just, well, ready already. Tension is creeping in to my nice happy calm. It’s not negativity, I haven’t crossed that line into doubt mode yet, I just am finding this little petulant itch intruding into my relaxation.

So, I’m choosing to pay attention to what’s going properly.

  • Very good: there’s still no intermittent bleeding.
  • Pretty good: my fluid is not totally dried out by the Clomid, it’s definitely in the “creamy” category the last couple of days (ew, sorry).
  • Possibly good (but sort of irritating): my BBT has been super consistent (though it is still higher than I feel it ought to be by about .3 of a degree).
  • Probably good (though it feels annoying): the OPKs have been very, very clearly negative. Last month, the first cycle I tried OPKs, I kept getting almost-positives but never an actual positive; I read that can be a common PCOS pattern. This time I’ve barely even been able to see the test line so far, and it’s looked the same every day (3 days of testing). I’m using a different brand, so I don’t know if the difference is my body and low luteinizing hormone levels, or the sensitivity of the strips themselves. It feels annoying because if I’m expecting a ‘fade-in’ pattern,it looks like I’ll still have several more days of waiting. However, I’m definitely relieved to not repeat a PCOS-type pattern. Besides, I don’t know whether I should expect a fade-in or a sudden surge because I haven’t gotten a positive OPK before. And maybe all of this speculating is for naught because maybe the strips are just totally different.
  • Indulgently good: Since I haven’t ovulated yet, I can feel less guilty about my intended campfire beers this weekend – though I’ve been extremely good the last couple of weeks.

With that, I’m taking my positive attitude out into the woods, where I’ll probably have a super special time communing with nature and bonding with my husband and not thinking about timelines and wishes and failures. I certainly won’t have any internets out there, but I’ll try and bring back some good campfire stories for next week.

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