Bad Cat

As a disclaimer: This post is incredibly stupid, and potentially even weird and inappropriate. The thing is, I lack the ability to keep writing posts that boil down to “It’s day blah and I haven’t gotten my period yet.” (Which I haven’t.) And it’s too depressing to write a post about how pillow talk in my bedroom has been reduced to me listing the reasons I do or don’t think I have PCOS or fibroids or whatever else I’ve come up with. So, instead, here’s something dumb that happened today, wherein you learn things about me that you really didn’t need to know.

My weekday morning routine involves going pretty much straight from showering to brushing my teeth. I do not stop to get dressed in between. Yes, I’m nude in this story and that’s a major plot element. I told you it was inappropriate.

The post-shower, still-in-the-bathroom-getting-ready bit of the morning is, like, my cat’s favorite time of day. I’ve tried shutting her out of the room, but she gets very grumpy and loud about it and since I get up before Hubs does, her pitiful crying and/or rattling the door on the hinges wakes him up and then it’s my fault, et cetera. So, I am a total pushover and let her come in and jump up on the counter, where I pet her sporadically while I’m doing my thing.

Yes, I pet the cat while I’m brushing my teeth in the buff. She doesn’t care if I’m nekkid. She’s nekkid too. Whatever. Don’t judge me.

This morning she was being all lovey and sweet, rubbing on my hand and arm and being generally adorable – and then.

Without warning.

She BIT my NIPPLE.

WTF, CAT?!?

It was more startling than painful, and I was so surprised I spat toothpaste onto the mirror. This feline atrocity was definitely deliberate and calculated. It wasn’t in a “I’m a crazy temperamental cat and I don’t like the way you pet me on that last stroke” way, it was in a “That seems like it would taste good” way.

And then she was like “No, it doesn’t taste good, and it results in my being yelled at and swatted in the head.” So she ran away and I finished brushing my teeth, feeling violated and bewildered. The end.

dumb cat being cute

Dumb sadistic cat being adorable

Ok, not really the end, because I have the crazy brain that wants to put a reproductive spin on everything. So for a second, in which I was incapable of rational thought (apparently), I wondered if that could possibly be a pregnancy sign, like there was a milky/otherwise hormonal scent, because I know breast changes happen early on, and because I know anecdotally that animals can be sensitive to detecting pregnancy, and because, well, I’m on day 44 here. And I realize that’s really, really dumb.

(You can’t even Google that to see if it’s ever happened to anyone else. I promise.)

(Especially not on your work computer.)

In case you’re wondering, there was an in-depth filtering process that this story went through before I decided on definitely posting it:

(Via Facebook chat.)

Me: i need you to tell me if a moderately fucked up story is funny blog fodder or just weird and inappropriate

Zoe: oooh ok, but can you make it quick?

Me: (quick version of above)

Zoe: …i dont see why that would be inappropriate. but, you should bear in mind that my “inappropriate-meter” was blown all to hell some time ago

Me: yeah. well that’s partly why i asked, because i think it’s funny but if you thought there were any red flags, then i’d know it was a problem 🙂:)

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3 thoughts on “Bad Cat

  1. this is AWESOME! i mean, not awesome that your cat bit your nipple. no, i’m pretty sure that if there is an exact opposite of awesome, then that would be it. And yet, somehow, it makes for the very most awesomeness of a blog post topic. Holy crap i would have killed that cat. My cats also like to hang out in the bathroom with me (and also raise hell when they’re not allowed to.) Tony D has started drinking from the running faucet – it used to be Porter’s thing, they’ve switched since we’ve moved. And they both like to nip at bare legs. Porter bites hard, in fact, and i’m trying to figure out how to train them out of that. But neither has ever gone for a nipple and i will now – and forever – be sure to not provide them with the opportunity.

    On a completely different note: day 41? really? Do you know when you’re going to see your doctor again? (sorry if you wrote that in the previous medically-related post, i can’t remember where things were left given your possible month off and all that…)

    • I don’t think I’ve successfully trained my cat NOT to do something after she’s started doing it. That’s why my sofa is shredded and looks like shit, and we have to have the blind cords tied off at the top of the windows. But yeah, biting is bad, and nipple biting is not something I ever thought one needed to be warned about. But, there you go.

      And yes I do need to get back into the doctor’s office. Deciding not to take the month off is partly a good thing because it’ll get me back in there quicker. I’m going to call them next week whether I do get a CD1 or not, either to make a tentative appointment around ovulation time or to come in and get some progesterone to jump start things.

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