First Birthday

Unbelievably, it was a year ago tonight that our triplets were born and we were a family of five. Unbelievable because it feels like so long ago. Unbelievable because it feels like no time has passed at all. Unbelievable because of how different I thought our life was going to be today, a year and a week ago. It turns out our life looks just the same as it did before, or at least how we’d been planning for it to look before I got pregnant.

The same, except for us being so sharply incomplete.

I feel obligated to post something amazing and meaningful tonight. A poem I’ve written. A painting I’ve done. An account of dreams I’ve had where my children have visited me. Maybe even a photo of the world’s saddest birthday cake. But I don’t have any of those things to share. I just have this permanent hole in my heart. The edges aren’t as ragged as they used to be.

Ceremonially I lit the triplets’ candles this evening, and I read through old blog posts and looked at the photos. It almost feels like it happened to somebody else. I don’t have their footprint cards or the tiny hats they wore or the blanket I made or any of the stuff we’d bought for them, all in a box packed neatly with all the other boxes that still are somewhere in between our house in Rhode Island and our house in Japan. We do have them here with us, their urns, and the candle holders.

I still don’t know how much I would do differently if I could. All of it. None of it. Somewhere in between… Not that it makes any difference.

Happy birthday little ones. We love you always.

6 Months: Commemoration

For the triplets’ six month birthday, we got ourselves a present.

Hubs'

Hubs' ink, left chest.

Spiral

Triple spiral.

spiral tattoo

Triple spiral tattoo, close up and non blurry.

We’re both pleased (albeit somewhat tender). I think both came out just like we wanted. I love knowing they now have a permanent, physical presence wherever I am. It’s extremely fulfilling and comforting.

Two Months

Another mark on the calendar passes by today. Happy two month birthday, Archer, Beatrice, and Collin. Sixty-one days since I carried and then held you. A lot is already fading away, but not my love.

Aching Sympathy

I’ve been following the blogs of expectant triplet parents Carey (Mod Vegan) and Jeremy (Tips on Triplets) since we originally shared our mutual anxiety over the hurricane force of unexpected multiples. Carey was just a few weeks behind me. Two nights ago, their Baby A’s water broke. Their boys are 21 weeks. Carey and Jeremy are in the hospital now, waiting for whatever comes next, and I am having trouble thinking of anything else. It’s too intensely familiar. The piercing echo of that utter helplessness and terror… There is a sick hollowness in my stomach thinking of their family. I hate that anyone in the world should have to go through what we did.

I know how touched I was by the support and condolences of complete strangers – so if you have a moment, go visit them.

Mile Marker: Six Weeks Postpartum

My, but the days do fly by. It’s been six weeks today since we lost the triplets. Six weeks since we held them, staring into their dark, tiny faces with bewildered adoration. Six weeks since we had the tremendous privilege of knowing two of them during their brief lives.

The technical words are brutal. A pregnancy loss before 20 weeks is still called a miscarriage. The consent form I had to sign called it an abortion. I hate both of these words and I reject that either one is what happened to us.

Questions remain; of course they do. Questions, and little snippets of guilt. Did I work myself too hard that weekend? Would things have gone differently if I wasn’t unpacking by myself, or if we hadn’t moved at all? I tried to rest often and not lift the heavy boxes… I don’t know if I’ll ever shake that residual doubt, though. Did it all start because of an infection? Because of the extra discharge and other things during the days leading up to the beginning of the complications, I have come to suspect that I’d developed bacterial vaginosis and that’s what led to Archer’s weakened placenta. They didn’t test for it, and I didn’t research it until too late, but now I do believe that’s what happened. Did I miss the warning signs? Could I have caught it in time? I’ll never know, but at least I can be more vigilant the next time. Were the doctors right about the chorioamnionitis? It was such a comparatively slight amount of pain that their recommendation to deliver was based on. We chose not to have an autopsy – I couldn’t have taken it if we’d found out they were wrong, that even after poor little Archer’s cord prolapsed, Collin and Beatrice might still have been okay. That they might have gone on to be given other names.

Honestly I don’t spend so much time struggling with these thoughts any more. In those first days, they were overwhelming. They are still out there floating around, no longer oppressive, but occasionally one will pass close by and bring me chills. Still, I’ve mostly made peace with the blunt fact that there are no answers to any of these questions that will change what happened. Not at all.

***

Today is more than just a measure of the growing distance away from my pregnancy, though. Six weeks seems to be the generally agreed-upon time that a postpartum woman’s reproductive organs should be approximately back to normal. There’s a lot of doubt in that sentence, and with good cause. The last stringy, peach-colored remnants of lochia do seem to be drying up, and I’ll be thrilled to see that disappear. As far as the return of my cycles: I will be no more or less surprised if I ovulate tomorrow or if it takes another six weeks.

There is one definite significance about today’s date though. The embargo on the Southern Territory has been officially lifted. Today is the magical day when I’ve supposedly healed enough to resume normal sexual activity (even if it’s more recreation than procreation for a little while). Yay! How’s that for ending on a positive note?

Ultrasound Appointment

I went for another ultrasound appointment yesterday, as you probably know if you’ve been following. You’ll recall that this was a recheck based on the appointment two weeks ago because the shared placenta question hadn’t been fully resolved. If it was determined to indeed be a true shared placenta, I’d be going back every two weeks for the rest of my pregnancy to keep an eye on everybody’s growth and watch for problems, because shared placentas are Bad News. And until the question got resolved, they wanted to treat it as if it were shared to be on the safe side.

The ultrasound appointments are getting to be practically routine. Don’t get me wrong, they are still fun; all the ‘extra’ peeks inside are a definite perk of multiple pregnancy. Poor singleton moms, only getting 2 or 3 ultrasounds in their whole pregnancies. I’m up to seven total prenatal appointments with 3 different providers, and we’ve turned the cameras on the babies at every single one of them. The ones at the clinic are the best, though. They have the fancy equipment, and special technicians who do nothing else but ultrasounds all day long, who really take their time and know their stuff. Plus they keep their belly goo warmed up, and that’s a very nice touch.

I had the same sonographer as two weeks ago. She started out with Baby A, doing measurements and checking heart rate. She asked whether, if she could tell, we wanted to know the sex. We said “Yes, very much so.” A moment later: “This baby is a boy.” Picture is labeled so you can tell what you’re seeing.

 

Then she moved on to Baby B. Again the measurements. She gave a very,very uncertain verdict of girl, but could not get a good view.

 

So she continued to Baby C. C was being just as flagrantly obvious as A, “goalposting” as Hubs so eloquently put it.

 

Then back to Baby B to see if we couldn’t get a better look. The main problem was that the umbilical cord was hanging down between the legs and blocking a real clear view. What we could clearly see was her getting kicked from both sides by her brothers!! Still the sonographer could sort of, maybe see labia and really didn’t see anything that looked penis-ish at all. I tried to label this picture, too, but honestly I’m not quite sure what’s what here so some of the labels are guesses. Anybody have any further insight?

 

The doctor of the day (again, same doctor from 2 weeks ago) came in when the sonographer was all through, took a quicker look at everybody and confirmed everything we had just heard. She didn’t see anything to make her think B might be a boy, either, but she could only give an 80% certainty level for girl. That’s still pretty good odds, I think. Now, the best news? B, the middle baby, being the only girl means NO identicals, which means NO shared placenta, which means safer healthier fetuses. We already have our full Level II ultrasound anatomy scan set up for 2 weeks from now, also at the clinic, so if that confirms yesterday’s gender findings then I don’t have to keep going to the clinic every two weeks, just every month (unless any new causes for concern may arise).

Everyone was measuring well. They did a couple of different measurements for each baby, including femur length, abdominal circumference, and “bi-parietal” (head) diameter. (You can see a description of these methods and what they are good for here, if you aren’t familiar.) Their gestational age based on these measurements were different by a few days, with B being the smallest though essentially on schedule at 17w1d, and A the biggest at 18w0d. Based on LMP I was at 17w3d yesterday. I guess because of differences in proportions, though, all three were estimated at 7 oz. Nearly a pound and a half of total baby! That’s a little big compared to an average singleton; Babycenter says at 18 weeks a fetus weighs not quite 7 oz. They also measured each baby’s amniotic fluid and my cervix, and everything looks just fine.

MFM appointment next Tuesday, and anatomy scan on the 18th.